Drunk, Horny Pensioners & Basic Bitches: Alanya, Turkey for Expats?

Ahhh…This time, I’m going back to raunchy travel tales. If you’re easily offended, it’s probably best not to read any further.

There are places you just don’t vibe with in your travels…Alanya, Turkey was it. Really. I don’t like this city at all. You have to have a lucrative business or be touched in the head to make this place your home for years. Seems like lucrative businesses include prostitution, nightclubs, and hotels from the 1970s.

I was really looking forward to living there, getting my ikamet (long stay visa), and making a life for myself in the sunny city. After two years in Bali, I was ready for a radical change. This island will always be the place I return to. Still, island life and the familliarity of it was enticing me to look elsewhere.

Turkey was always on my list of places to visit. That’s when I started researching different cities. Istanbul was out because of it’s cold winters. Alanya was mentioned in a YouTube video as having temperate winters and super hot, sunny summers as well as being less expensive than Istanbul.

Jackpot!

A older British woman, whom I thought was friendly and runs a group for women to meet in Alanya (and get slapstick drunk) gave me helpful advice before I moved there.

Flight ticket booked for October 12, 2021.

There are a few things you must understand about Turkey before going….RIGHT NOW. Their money drastically fell in value and the cost of things started to go up. It didn’t occur to me that people would be in a bad mood because of economic hardship (yeah, real smart Rebecca). The only thing that stood out was getting over 10 Turkish liras to my US dollar and finding an apartment with a sea view for cheap. Now, you can get 14 Turkish lira to your US dollar. My heart goes out to the Turkish people and I sincerely hope their economy recovers.

My 13 hour bus ride from Istanbul was filled with anticipation despite limited food options for vegans at each rest stop. The changing scenery of Turkey and friendliness of a seatmate from Izmir made me giddy. THAT’S the city I should’ve went to! I envisioned waking up early for long walks along the boardwalk and unhurried Turkish breakfasts with sunny skies. Well…

The chainsmoking taxi driver took me directly to my hotel instead of the “drive around to make the fair bigger” crap which happens often in touristy cities. Ahmet, the hotel concierge, came right out and helped bring all my luggage to my room. The one bedroom I rented was super clean, big and had a partial view of Kleopatra beach. It had a pleasant 1980s style vibe to it.

So far, so good.

The next evening I met up with the “Kit” from London for a few beers and to give her a small token form Bali of my appreciation for her help in providing information about the city. It felt like the pandemic didn’t touch this city…until the midnight curfew for businesses came.

Off topic, but can someone explain why people become uncomfortable when you get them a gift? She was so rattled by a small gift. Is it better to slap people in the face and say, “Fuck you for helping me?”

This older woman proceeded to tell me about the business of people on the island and who was gay. Right. I care. Then she goes on to say I can teach English in Alanya, like her, and make $5/hour. No, thank you. You’ve got to be a bit touched in the head to be okay with making such a low amount and you’re from the U.K. What are you escaping? It was at this point, I knew I couldn’t trust her, but being new to the city, it was nice have someone to ask for guidance.

Her friend from the USA came along and we went off to Bar Street in Alanya. It’s just as you’re picturing it. About three blocks of cheesy bars and nightclubs with competiting neon lights blasting hits of the 90s. The bars touts, wearing ripped up jeans and fake Gucci t-shirts, stood on the streets offering us discounted drinks to sit in their more than half empty bar. Some even offered free drinks just to sit down amd make the place look pretty.

Wow. Having a vagina does have it’s perks.

Kit had a favorite bar and a crush on a bar tout less than half her age. If cheese was a person, he was it. Nice cheese though. Poor guy’s trying to make a living and he’s got this old cow drooling over him. Apparently, she goes there so much, she has a bar tab. Life goals, yo.

BTW- Bar Street is where poor people go to pretend they’re rich.

As I looked around Bar Street, I started to notice these “couples.” An old woman from some northern European country with a very young Turkish man. The bitches were in their 50s or older and these punks were in their early 20s.

Punks popping pensioner pussy for a penny.

The same thing happens in Cambodia and Thailand. I find it gross and sympathy always goes to the young men and women who have to pretend to like these old bags.

Since I’m a masochist..and needed more material for nightlife in Alanya, I met up with Kit and her friends to celebrate someone’s birthday. The birthday woman was very nice and polite. Sadly, I can’t say the same for Kit. It seemed everything I said annoyed her and later on she said some really rude things to me. I called her out on this and decided she’s not worth knowing. I can’t deal with crazy, old jealous bitches desperately trying to hold onto youth.

Upon further inspection, I discovered, from one of her friends no less, I was shining a bit too bright for her liking. Basic bitch drama.

BTW- Is Despacito the national anthem of basic bitches the worldwide? For real. I know I’m in basic bitch territory when I hear this song…or women with appletinis…….over and over again.

Ugh. It’s not my fault I have a bubbly personality and can hold my own in conversation. Women should be genuinely happy for each other and not view other women as competition. One reason why I stay to myself most of the time.

After an incident where I had to call the police, I decided Alanya wasn’t for me. It’s not a cosmopolitan city.

Small city, smaller minds.

I will say Antalya was a beautiful city and people had a bit more sense there. Everyone I met from Izmir or Istanbul were darlings.

How’s your week going? Where’s “bar street” in your city?

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